Beer Vacation

Haven't updated this in a while, but I'll be headed out on vacation soon.

The plan is to hit up a bunch of beer spots and breweries between here, Madison, WI, Milwaukee and Chicago. Unfortunately there's nothing that's not way out of the way in Iowa, so I'll be starting in Dubuque.

Here's the current plan:

• Bar I forget the name of in Dubuque.
• Potosi
• Place in Mineral Point that escapes me at the moment
• Grumpy Troll
• Capital Brewery
• Old Fashioned
• Vintage Brewery
• Ale Asylum
• Tyranena
• Sprecher
• Lakefront
• A few other stops in Milwaukee... maybe the Safe House. Not really a beer destination, but fun.
  
• Horny Goat
• Lake Bluff Brewery
• Two Brothers
• Finch's
• Metropolitan
• Revolution
• Goose Island
  
• Sheffield's
• Hopleaf
• Map Room
• Local Option
• Flossmoor Station
• Three Floyd's
• A score of other things that I've forgotten... suggestions are welcome.

So between now and then, cheers!

The Beerfest Commandments

Ah the Beerfest. It's a wonderful time. It's an opportunity to try a bunch of different beers at the right price. Not to be confused by the movie, this is not about quantity, it's about quality and variety.

The one issue with Beerfests is that they seem to be young enough that there is not an established set of etiquette or rules to follow so you can avoid being a drunk, an idiot or a drunk idiot. Here are some rules to follow so people don't think you are either clueless, a jerk or a drunk.

1. Get your beer and get out of the way.
Every fest I've ever been to, there is some idiot who gets to the front of the line, tries a beer and then sits there and drinks it while talking to the server, then finishes and asks for the next beer. Do not be this guy. He is a jerk. Everyone behind him hates him.

2. You are not there to get drunk cheaply.
The key word here is cheaply. If you are a Natty Light (or any other beer you can get a 30 pack of) drinker and you're just coming to the fest to get drunk, please stay home. The words "What's your strongest beer?" or "I don't really care what it tastes like." shouldn't really come out of your mouth at any point. As people like you will never read this, hopefully at least you find something you really like, enough that you stop drinking crappy beer.

3. Never arrive with an empty stomach.
The exception is if you are going to eat a meal (not just a soft pretzel or a brat) on location prior to festing it up. Have a beer with your meal, but just trust me on this one. Ignoring this rule is a good way to end up puking in a Port-a-Potty (if you are lucky) and needing a cab ride home.

4. Never drink from the dump bucket.
Another rule I learned the hard way. It might be delicious at the time and it may make a funny story later, but if this sounds like a good idea, you're so drunk that you are not making it home without a cab ride. Go eat something. The only exception to this rule I can imagine, is if it's for charity.

5. Don't Drop Your Glass
Self explanatory.

6. Only "Oooooh" at people when you see/hear them drop their glass.
It's annoying. Stop it.

7. Do not block access to the beer.
While this should be covered by #1, it's not. I'm talking to you, group of people who, while not standing directly next to the table, make it impossible for those of us with empty glasses to actually get to the table.

8. Do not get back in line until your glass is empty.
Pretty self explanatory. The exception to this rule is if the line is three booths long or longer. (In that case, can I suggest trying some other beer so others who have not gotten through the line the first time can give something a shot?)

9. Drink an Hour, Eat Something.
Closely related to #3, but not the same. Most folks from Wisconsin know this one. As Lewis Black says, they are professionals.

10. Know what you want before you get to the head of the line.
This is especially hard if the breweries/distributors don't hang the options up where they can be seen. If not displayed properly, you are excused from this rule. Event planners: Help us out on this one.

11. Use the dump buckets
You are an adult. If you don't like something, save your alcoholic intake for something you like. Nobody should take offense at this, or give you crap for it. If they do, they need to grow up. Event planners: Have enough. Empty early and often.

12. Rinse
Rinse your glass. You're not going to get the full flavor of each beer if there are remnants of the previous beer in your glass. Event planners: Make sure there is enough water available.

13. Don't drive drunk
It's stupid that I have to bring it up. Don't be an idiot. Have a local cab company number programmed into your phone before you go or book a hotel room nearby.

Please feel free to add suggestions, call me a d-bag, or offer to buy me a pint. Cheers!

Untitled 1

He was dreaming of having chocolate pudding while also being out of ammunition with Albert Einstein during a fight against generic terrorists when his alarm so rudely interrupted him. He took a few seconds of hitting the racket maker before finally hitting the snooze button, which was the exact moment he realized what it was and that he needed to slide the switch to the off position.

Another day. It was a Tuesday, he wanted to get to work early to finish a project that was due last week due to no fault of his own.
"Ok body, here we go." and he got up and walked to the bathroom and turned on the shower. As he waited for the water to get hot he looked at himself in the mirror, popped a few new zits that had popped up over the night and spent a few seconds admiring the beard he had just grown over the course of the last month.
"Lookin' good."

After he was done showering he dried off, got dressed and walked into the office. He woke his computer from a sleep and then perused the Internet. Most of his favorite sites hadn't updated this morning yet. Must be nice to be able to sleep in once in a while, but he didn't have time for that. He opened his work email and responded to a few emails he had gotten overnight from some of the Asian and European crews, a small crisis here, some misplaced parts there; a few email responses and they were solved. Not a bad start, and looking at the clock, he would be earlier than he had expected. He jumped up, grabbed his keys, his phone and his badge and headed out the door of his apartment which he promptly locked, and then headed down the hallway to the door.

Outside seemed a little too quiet. It was odd to him, but he didn't think much of it, just got in his car and headed out of the apartment complex parking lot, took a left onto 42nd street which would take him most of the way to his job, about 20 minutes away. He hadn't gotten too far when he noticed a car that had crashed into a light pole.

He slowed down and went around the car, which was still running, but nobody was in it or near it. He assumed that the driver had either been removed by paramedics, or was in one of the nearby houses, calling for a tow truck. But as he drove he saw something vexing. A lot of cars and trucks were in the ditch, in front yards, smashed into trees, or each other. All still running, no drivers, no four-way blinkers, no evidence of police or tow trucks, etc. It was as if everyone had just jumped out of their cars and hid. No, that couldn't be right... why are all the car doors closed? If you were to jump out of a moving vehicle there should be some doors opened. He thought of stopping, but then realized that if he did, it was possible that these people had been robbed, or kidnapped or abducted by aliens or another of a thousand different possibilities that he didn't want any part of, so slowly he kept driving towards work.

There were many more abandoned cars on the way until he spotted the police cruiser which was in the same condition of the other vehicles he saw, slightly smashed into the back of a Volvo which was slightly dented by the Dodge truck in front of it. The truck was against a brick wall, which it had damaged a bit. It must have been going slower than the other vehicles. In any case, he slowed down even more to check out the police car, but he found nothing different here. No signs that anyone was around, no lights, no nothing. He decided to continue on to work, hoping that someone could explain what was going on.

Evolution of a God

Why do we die?
To make room for our children.
Why do we have children?
So our species can evolve.
Why do we evolve?
Because God wants us to evolve.
Why?
I assume so that eventually we can understand God. Perhaps he's lonely.

The New Freshness

This is my blog. I am hoping this is the last 'me-centric' post I make here, so if you've followed a link I've placed somewhere else, feel confident that this will not be full of posts such as "Gee, I really like Chee-tos." or lists of regrets that I may or may not have, etc.

I often have issues I wish to write letters to the government about. I also often have short stories in my head that I should write down. Sometimes I come up with comedy sketch ideas. All will go here (and are copyright now by me, so neener neener pumpkin eater).

This is my 'creative outlet'. That name was taken, so I looked in a Thesaurus for antonyms to the word 'original'. Hackneyed is a good word. Already taken. Slap peas on the end for a not-so-witty pop culture reference and consider the job done.

The goal here is to post something daily. If I post more than daily, I can take a day off. As I make the rules, I may change them. Regardless, let the games begin. I am guessing three days before I forget about this project.